A Facebook poster recently posed the question in a massage humour group “What is something that you said today at work that if you worked someplace different would get you fired?“

As a disclaimer for the masssage industry, many of the answers below are from therapists to clients (or between therapists) where there is an established relationship so more casual than for a first professional interaction.

“Can I touch your butt?”

Damn, you got a tight butt!
Hey you wanna stick your elbow in my ass?
I dug into their butt real good today!
I felt your butt clench
How’s your butt feeling today?
I’m about to put my fist in your butt muscles
I’m going to put my elbow in your butt. It might hurt a little.
To a regular, “are we doing the butt today?”
Well, rubbing your Butt with a ball may help
Who’s the pain in your ass?
You’ve got a huge rock in your ass!
Your ass is super tight (I’m a massage therapist).

“Do you have underwear on today?”

“Take your pants off.”
Alright my friend get naked and climb on up…I’ll knock before I come in
Everything off but your undies!!!!
Everything off! let me know if you need assistance!
Face down & naked
Face down, ass up, let me get to work!
Get naked and I will be back in a second.
Get naked and prepare for a beat down.
Get naked, i have a plan.
Get your kit off…
G’on and git nekkid, I’ma wash up and I’ll be right back with ya.
I can do a better job if you take off your clothes
I prefer you fully naked under the sheets
I used to be such a prude but now I love getting in between the sheets
It’d be best if you take everything off today.
It’s really better if you take off your clothes.
Just slide beneath the sheets.
Most of my clients like it best butt naked
Of course you can leave your underwear on
The more clothes you take off the easier my job is
You can go comando if you want
You ran in here and stripped really fast!
You really shouldn’t leave your underwear on….

Do you like it deep?

“I’m going in deeper, if it hurts too much let me know.”
Exhale I’m going deep
How deep do you want it?
I can’t wait to pummel you
If it’s not strong enough I can go deeper
Is that too hard? ?
Just breathe… I’m going to go a little deeper
We are gonna start light, then go a little deeper
Would you like me to go harder?

You just stick your breasts in the holes…..

Want me to go grab a pillow for your boobs?
Do you have implants?
Does the scar go all the way under your breast?
I’m going to move your breast tissue over so I can really get into your pecs.
Sorry your boob popped out. It happens
Use this pillow case to cover your breasts

Are you okay with skin on skin?

Are you ok with me touching you here?
By the time we’re done I’m going to have touched you in places you’ve never been touched before! ??
I mean I’ve touched it before…
Is it ok if I rub your stomach
Are you comfortable with me touching your inner thighs?
What part of your body do you not want touched?

Spread your legs

Spread your legs a bit for me
Spread your legs a little wider so I can get my arm in. (Only dawned on me what I’d said after the client said it should be wide enough after having two babies!!)
Widen your stance for me.

I need more lube

Which lube do you prefer?
‘Yeah, i can do your wife too just have her call me!’
And who’s on the agenda for todays torture session?
Anything special today?
Can you cup your junk ??
Client who once left a belt on the floor- “don’t forget your belt, I can’t come home with it lol I can’t explain this to my fiancé”
Do you trust me? Why? Because I’m going to get on top of you. Hes been my client now for 9 years.
Hi, I’m here to beat you up.
How’s your groin feeling
I did 5 large guys today back to back.
I don’t want to make you hate me, but I might make you cry ??
I don’t work with bones
I need to do him/her
I normally don’t do this with first timers but I can tell you need the work. So trust me.
I’m actually not going to be able to socially distance from your wife today.
If you breathe slowly while i push, it shouldn’t hurt.
I’m going to stick my fingers in your armpit dont be alarmed.
I’m gonna go ahead and find the end of your tailbone.
Make as much noise as you like, no one else is here
Now lift your hips
Oh that’s a big one!! (Muscle knot)
Oh yes, I do men, too.
Ouch does not mean stop to me. You have to say uncle.
Put your face down right there.
Put your face in the hole
Sorry, I don’t have time for hand stuff today.
Take off your jewelry and hand it to me.
What happens when you only extend your middle finger?
Who’s my next victim?!
Will you please shift your treasures.
Yea, that’s gonna leave a mark. (After cupping session)
you got dressed really fast. hope you enjoyed it
No, no it’s okay. You didn’t offend me, I often get called Mistress. ????

And probably some of my favourites:
I’m getting close..real close
Make as much noise as you like, no one else is here.
Take off your jewelry and hand it to me.
You’re going to feel 10 inches taller when I’m done with you.